Still I burn this earthen Fire.

Ten bucks to any one can go through and tell me how many of my blog titles are Cake lyrics... Seriously, I think it is a LARGE number.

So, I have to go to the registry tomorrow to have a hearing to hope to god that they don't suspend my lisence (again) because it is a condition of my union's contract that we maintain a valid MA driver's lisence.

I like my job and aim to keep it. And, unfortunately, I'm in an impossible situation as far as being cut slack for shit because of my mom.

There is a small amount of tension between stewart and I because thursday is his brother's birthday. And I will not have anything to do with it. He annoys me and I am not going to put myself in a situation where i have to bite my tongue and play nice, because I am so past capable, I wouldn't be able to hold it in.

Nextly, I nearly drove to south hadley the other day to snap Nick's neck. I'm so sick of him lying to everyone and then getting offended when we call him a liar. Because if there is any part of untruth in what you are saying, it is a lie. And therefor, the one saying such things is a liar.

So, saying things like the insurance agency was closed for 2 weeks (or a really long one and a half days--because I called and checked) or that you called to have all the med equipment picked up and they didn't come on the right day (although you didn't get the phone number until monday within two hours of their closing) or you cancelled the appointment (and they had never heard of you calling, because I checked) makes you a liar.


Wise people keep saying don't object until you're accused...

And Nick doth protest too much.

You're a fucking liar.

And Stewart calling to take care of it was a favor to you on his part. Because I would have ripped you a new asshole, among other things. Because I have no patience for people like you.

The end.


p.s.

Spelling and Grammar, aprise yourself.

Dear World,

If you are using the gerund form of a word which happens to end in 'e,' please remeber to drop the 'e' prior to adding the 'ing.'

Also, how in the name of christ do you manage to misspell words in a text message that automatically enters the words for you?

Finally, if you leave more than three words out of a thought, and at least one of them is a verb, don't get bent when you have to repeat yourself or don't get the desired effect.

Thank you.



***


On a different note, I'm sitting in my kitchen and can see my breath. I have not showered in 3 days because i don't want my hair to freeze immediately out of the shower. The oil man ought to be coming tomorrow. And if he doesn't, I'm going to beat him to death with a rubber hose.

I got an apron in the mail the other day from my swap partner on craftster. It is wicked cute. I love it. I finished most of my newest swap project. It is AMAZING. It's for the dress me like a pin up swap.

And I am amazing as well. Just think about that.

Excuses, excuses...

Do you think my insurance company would buy it if i didn't pay my bill because the cat ate it?

Because he really just did.

Box O Random

Is it appropriate to send someone you don't talk to anymore and who you make extremely uncomfortable an email saying, "Hey, I had a dream last night where I kicked the shit out of you...no really, I jacked you up against teh refridgerator and Choked you within and inch of your life. But you shouldn't have been in my house to begin with."

Maybe not.

On a different note, I rediscovered one of my memory boxes (from phase last of my life). The best way to describe it is as a box of random. There is stuff in there I thought ws lost and eaten by Vega (little bitch). There are incriminating photos, notes people wrote me, a few letters, cards, pictures, ticket stubs. All of which I actually remember that moment in time and most of which evoke the same exact emotion. Which is not necessarily a good thing.

Also, I found books to move out and filed my taxes. I rule.

old and unusual

Stewart and I spent our first night apart the other night. First in ten months.

And it wasn't that bad.

We both survived.


However, when he goes to Texas, if anyone wants to come stay over for a night and get kicked in the kidneys a couple times and possibly get leaned on a bit, holla.

LIke sharpening knives through Chicken McNuggets

I get called vindictive A LOT. Not to say that I don't do vindictive things, but usually when people are labeling me as such, it's not correct.

The first time it sounded just wrong. The real proof got eaten by my best friend's dog (for real) or misplaced, but the story went something like: I kissed the boy she liked while I was drunk... Drunk not being the excuse, because it was a shitty thing to do either way...on Halloween a few years ago. So after using my car on Monday and again on Tuesday to get to the train station to buy records, she shoves the $10 she owes me in my coat pocket and doesn't return my calls for 2 days, which involves not showing up to pick me up for school, because every Tuesday and Thursday, we'd get breakfast before class.

So I walk to school (not a horrible imposition... took less than 10 minutes when I was rocking to Kanye on the way up). When I get to breakfast, I eat with my Shute, see her in class and ask if she still intends to be at our series of weekend plans. The short answer was no and I can't accurately convey the attitude that went with it, but I knew it was done already.

I go to work and then to Ter's house for movie night. Broad had sent her a text about how I'd crossed a line and she couldn't put up with me anymore. The next day I went to her house and took my stuff (we lived together for 4 months and weren't on bad terms when I physically moved, just the month preceding it). I didn't take anything that wasn't mine and, in fact, left some stuff that was mine there. And four days later, there's a note on my car. The two important things about the note were that she called me a "vindictive cunt" for going into the house and getting my stuff (which was piled near the door) because she intended to talk to me and second, that it was written on the back of a pencil drawing of the two of us I'd given her for her birthday that year...that she had erased her face from and written in her place, "So you can draw in whoever you dupe into being your friend next."


This is an appropriate place for the definition of vindictive. According to Dictionary.com, vindictive has two meanings:

vin·dic·tive

1. Disposed to seek revenge; revengeful.
2. Marked by or resulting from a desire to hurt; spiteful.

OK. The next time wasn't as horrendous, just dumb and doesn't need much explanation--just that I got suddenly dropped by a guy because he had stopped taking his antidepressants (via im)and I was vindictive for something like calling him.



But I did do something vindictive lately. I convinced Tara's Boyfriend to pee on the car door handle of this kid he wanted to fight.

I guess it was more merciful than having his teeth put out.

And now the being the bigger person half...

This is written about me. I'm not sure where it came from, but the answers to broad's questions were because you dry hump my boyfriend everytime we see you and because I've known with your "fiance" for about a decade (I'm so old). AnI i told her in an email. Mostly because Stewart wouldn't give me her number to call her and won't let me just show up at her work to tell her. It was straightforward and transparent. AnI i got a reply that I'm fairly certain is very common for a fifteen year old. It was signed "~never again~" and then she posted another journal about it. And in my head, I'm thinking, bitch, you hope never.


And that summarizes my newest internet drama and a brief history of why I think fighting on LJ, etc, is retarded.

my life as a movie

So, I managed to compile my life asa soundtrack, and it's odd. Maybe I'll do it scene by scene... That would be terrifying.


Opening credits: Everclear-So Much for the Afterglow

Waking up: Bright Eyes-Sunrise, Sunset

Average day: Stevie Wonder-Living for the City

First date: Cure-Just like heaven

Falling in love: Lou Reed-Perfect day

Love scene: 0seven-Do you Believe

NC-17 scene: Hawkley Worksman-Striptease

Fight scene: Dialated People-This Way

Breaking up: Sixth Year Senior-Remember Sleep

Getting back together: Dire Straits-Romeo and Juliet

Life's okay: Fiona Apple-Extraordinary Machine

Mental breakdown: Lou Reed-Bottoming out

Driving: Queen-Don't stop me now

Deep thought: Talking Heads-Once in a lifetime

Partying: BranVan 3000- Loaded

Happy dance: The Cars-My Best Friend's Girl

Regretting: Arcade Fire-Crown of Love

Death scene: Van Morrison-Into the Mystic

Closing credits: Junior M.A.F.I.A.-Playa's Anthem



To Merrimac for New Year's Tomorrow. How time Flies By.

A series of unpopular opinions.

1. If you are old enough to drink you are old enough to a) have a full time job and b) have a license or access to reliable mass transportation. You should also understand acceptable boundaries and your repetoire of pop culture knowledge should extend beyond cartoons.

2. Anime is not interesting. Even worse are American anime style shows.

3. Grunge rock/ whine metal suck. Nickleback and company should die.

4. One should not become emotionally, romantically, spatially and/or above all FINANCIALLY involved with a person who has a habit of tossing people off the second a better, more convenient offer comes along.

5. WTF is a Research Animal Housing Upkeep Specialist. Is that a janitor and cage cleaner? What kind of self important bullshit is that. Plain english is the way to go.

6. The codone drugs are beastly and I have the dry cracked skin on my nose to prove it. I hate and love them all at the same time.

The cup tastes as sweet as the punch.

The relevant before the ranting:

I had surgery again on Monday. It was wonderful. I regained full consciousness before they pumped me full of pain meds, and having refused the OC before surgery because I didn't want my nose to be itchy, all the connecty monitor shit that I was still attached gave me a minor anxiety attack--During which I ripped of my oxygen mask, pulse monitor and blood pressure cuff. I was pulling on the IV cord when the nurse came in. I don't like having shit over my face.

Stewart stayed home with me Tuesday, but that gave me most of yesterday and today to sit and mull and be completely unproductive and occasionally artsy.

On the artsy side, I started a new set of stencils for xmas gifts.

On the mulling side, I began to resent not being able to just talk to a series of people who I (still) worry about, even though it's fruitless and just going to drive me nuts. It's a short list of very important people. And most of them are untalkable for stupid reasons, or at least stupid reasons by way of blood.

But moving on... Living in sin is great. I like being with Stewart and living with him is nothing short of easy and comfortable and enjoyable. I haven't had to sleep on the couch yet, although I have threatened to send him after a couple Chinese food nights. My favorite thing about Stewart is that I never have to worry about him. Open and honest is the way to go. I do worry about the other broads... But I can always just punch them.



My highschool reunion was last Saturday. I saw a few people I cared too and a few I was indifferent about. There were a couple really awkward moments involving hugs with people who may as well be complete strangers, but Walsh showed and there was an open bar.

A note on the concept of open bar: NOT a good idea at places where awkward is the anticipated social climate. I drank too much, didn't hit me until about 15 minutes after lying down and then hurling commenced. Like a volcano of ramen and Banana pine needles. And I hurled on the sheets, and Stewart changed them. My mom said it must be love, because she just left my dad on the lawn when he was that bad. Stewart said he was too late, because I was already upstairs and it was a cold night.

And something I need to say out loud and out of context: how can someone disrespect themself enough be with something like that?

amen. good night.

Just say no to the rage.

My father was relaying a literary idea to Stewart and me last night. He thinks it's Vonnegut, but the cliff's notes is that everyone has the right to kill one person. One person of your choosing, but only one. And if you killed more than one, you would be killed. I said this kid was at the top of my list. And then Stewart said that if this were really the law, I wouldn't have that one kill yet. I told him that it is in my personality to wait my entire life and pick the worst. My dad called me bitter.

We went to see saw III last night. It was good. There were some parts that made me squirm. It definitely left some questions unanswered and a big gaping hole for another movie (Why can't people do trilogies), but all in all it was decent. I like going to the movies with my dad, we have a good time.

My surgery has been scheduled. That, I'm sure will be fun.

I went to Haven on Tuesday with Stewart, Sarah and pojo. I dressed up as a cliche fantasy with the prepschool twist of getting wasted, double fisted style, and smoking like a chimney. I was ready to fight (above link and his hosebeast, because I have respect issues... and jealousy issues... and as pojo put it, just issues). On the ride there was one of those "don't worry about me, I can handle my own" discussions. Stewart said it wasn't me he was worried about. Which stings a little because I don't understand how he can still care about the welfare of such wretched people at all. He must have made his piece. So, I guess I'll have to make mine. Which is much easier to do when you don't have to see someone everyday. Or at least know that they have a key and a penchant of rifling through people's things.

Alas, I did not have to fight, although there was a suspicious Storm Trooper. I ran into three welcome-ish faces from the past and I wish I had had more time to catch up with people. The first was Nicole Underwood. The was wearing a burka and her boyfriend was dressed up like a terrorist. She said she was well. Megan Walker Grabbed me while I was looking for Stewart after using the ladies. She is also doing well, and I told her to continue doing well until next time. When people started to filter out, We ran into Jen Galvin, who I was actually hoping would have made an appearance. I have to send her an email so we can see eachother some time when they aren't booting us out at the end of the night. She said she wants a St. John's reunion at the school. I think it would be interesting to say the least. Even though I'm kept pretty up to date on all of the people I wanted to see.


Summation, The cat just bit my sweatshirt. I'm going to see if Jen wants to grab lunch next week. Maybe when I'm older like my dad, I'll find that zen place he goes when he's pissed off.